This is something personal. I know I shouldn't be so loud about this, but blogging is the only channel which I can appeal to everyone without offending anybody.

Today, I was told that I am a hypocrite.

It was told by a friend, and she had such a strong angst. She added that many people think the same way.

I didn't know about these at all. This was such a huge blow that for the whole hour, I felt my heart stop.

 

I know it is very weird, but I have always been very mindful about people's perceptions since young.

So, so mindful that I can agree that I am living on them.

I guess many of my closer friends know that.

In fact, I would acceed to people's request each time so that I can be made helpful or important.

I will help A with this, B with that, lend money to C, etc etc.

And I get so happy when they appreciate me. It's such a perverse feeling.

It won't be true to say that I am not asking for any return because I wanted to be loved, to be appreciated.

I don't want to offen people; I don't want anyone to dislike me.

However, there are also at times whereby I know I have to submit to certain help because it's those help no one would probably provide.

Like maybe money.

In this case, my inner mind would always be thinking of the consequence if I were to turn down, because it is something not many people would assist in.

That's when I wish to help.

It sounds so hypocritical, but yet sometimes I really really can't help but to give in as much as I don't want to.

 

Another things is that I want to commit to my friends, but I'm so busy that it sounds so superficial saying that I miss them.

The words seem so fake, because there was no action at all.

But what if it's true, or am I really someone who shouldn't have any friend at all?

 

I don't even know whether I am one, but there are really those sincere times when I truly want to help.

One thing which I cannot run away is the fact that the opinions of me from others matters such a greal deal to me.

I was so sad and till now I can still feel the pain there. It hurts so bad.

I know it shouldn't because what's most important is that I am myself, but I just can't, CAN'T ignore the fact.

I believe it must be because of this that I try to make everyone happy, and it just become so hypocritical to some.

Looking back, maybe I am such a disgust.

But why didn't anyone come forward to me to say it?

Why must everyone put up a smile to me each time as though I am angel?

And yet behind my back it was all these words that hurt me.

At least I can explain, at least I can justify myself because someone can try to judge.

At least I will still be innocent only until proven guilty.

 

But I was unknowingly given a death sentence, and never given a chance to speak.

Because everyone seems to be so okay with me, some even seem as though they might like me.

Yet what's so cruel is when you know that all these are actually fake, and reality just crash down on you like that.

Now who's real, and who's fake?

Who's the one who is really genuine?

I really don't know, and I find myself on the verge of breaking down soon.

It just dawned on me the probability that the whole world may dislike me, but yet all of them had put on my facade and

I just don't know who to trust anymore

 

I cried so hard but that does not change anything.

I felt like a five-year-old kid, without any friend to play in school

Except that I don't even know if any friend is a friend at all.

I know I shouldn't care less about what people think

but we are facing people every single day, how can I choose not to care about the perceptions?

How can I just swallow all these and be someone hypocritical, if that's what people think and digust them further, and let them dislike me?

Where will there be a genuine one who like me for who I am,

who knows that things aren't so shallow as they are?

The pain is so bad, and nothing can help me because that is the fact which I have to accept.

Yet I just can't accept it because I feel that I haven't been given enough chance to talk, that people do not understand me yet.

In fact, I don't even know having such thinking is hypocritical at all.

But these are the honest thoughts which I can offer to people.

Please people, just step out and tell me.

Or at least I hope you can really judge me again after reading this.

 

Lastly, I know I am a loser for not being able to take these.

I might probably die in the society.

I know I know.

People gonna say that I'm so dead.

Dead as in not replying to texts, not picking up phone calls.

and even my blog and FB status seem so inactive.

(erm, because most of the time I am busy being just a humble little stalker)

 

I think if I have someone like me as a friend I'm going to be so pissed.

So I'm sorry.

I will reply if it's an emergency.

Because I tend to multi-task and when I read the texts while busy,

I will wait till I'm free before I reply.

But,

*glup*

Sometimes the "later" just doesn't come :S

I think I make a lousy friend.

 

I suggest, uh...

Next time friends can text something like

"SIPEI!!! URGENT!!!"

or,

"SIPEI!!! MY HOUSE IS BURNING!!!"

or,

"SIPEI!!! I SEE YOU ON THE COVER OF CLEO!!!"

hehehe

 

Anyway,

Happy Chinese New Year to all! (:

I've always felt that visiting relatives is such an interesting event.

You get to see how people change.

The good, the bad.

The wolves in the sheeps' clothings,

the sheeps in the wolves' clothings...

 

or sometimes maybe even the gagas in the meat dresses.

heh, kidding.

 

I guess that's the main thing that I wanted to share for the purpose of blogging today.

You know, sometimes it seems such an ugly sight when you see people, or even relatives biting off each other.

I wonder if humans were like this in the past.

If that was the case,

apes might have died killing off each other before they evolved into us.

 

So if we are like this now,

can we still evolve?

 

 

 

 

Holiday's literally gone and I didn't get to rest much. Sigh, sometimes I am so afraid that I will just slack completely once I just let my pace slow down for a while. This speed of my life affects my patience though; I find myself making too much "tsk-tsk" sounds when i queue up in the supermarket nowadays. Then shopping cease to be a form of recreation now. When I used to spend hours and hours in shopping malls browsing almost every piece of clothing carefully, these days I would just enter a shop, walk one round and exit after finding that nothing appeals to me.Then online shopping becomes another portal for me. Choose "view all", "add to cart", "checkout". Yet again when the parcel comes some clothes just turn out to be of different hues that you may not like, different from the pretty shade that you've seen online. True right true right?! And besides, I should really save up so no shopping for me. I think I should bring sandwich to school everyday once the term starts; I spend so much on food in school! and NP's food isn't cheap, think they're even more expensive than the hawker behind MTC. (e.g. expensive, not filling but yummy $3.95 sausage bun in Our Space! *drools*) Yah lo should bring sandwich (:

Another issue's that I find my sleep becoming less and less productive. I can sleep 7-8 hours, yet the amount of energy reaped is as good as if I've slept only 3 or 4. This is BAD ): I mean, other than feeling lethargic and sleepy etc etc, I know it really does affect health a lot. Other than pimples (ARGH), I know that my health's not in a good shape this year. I've spent so much money on doctors, and you know such money could have been put into better use. Then I will wake up in shock almost every week. and once this kind of things happen suddenly my brain will be super awake and I have to make the effort to coax myself to sleep again. Seriously, it just leads me to think that sleeping is a waste of time because I do not rejuvenate at all. And this time could have been put to better use like to catch up with my project! I just don't like the feeling when you decided to put your workload to tomorrow because rest is important to make tasks efficient, yet you wake up the next morning feeling as sleepy as ever, like you regret sleeping earlier because in the end you are not refreshed. You know? Maybe it's stress, or maybe it's just me.

If there's a country which I can teleport to right now, I guess it would probably be France. I think it's such a beautiful country, breathtaking and everything. That's the probably the best break that I will wish for, yet you know the "i'm-afraid-once-i-slow-down-i-will-stop" feeling comes back again. I have to say that the pace there is super slow! Unlike SG when it's a bliss to get one-hour lunch break daily, over there the French have 2! and that's because they will have their meals with appetizer, main course, dessert and if I remember what the French tutor had told us, they need cheese in every meal. So that's probably one of the course as well. Yet the best reason why I wish to tour France isn't for the Eiffel Tower, but in fact Le Louvre (: even the name sounds good. It's like the museum where you can find Mona Lisa's portrait and many paintings done by Vincent van Gogh (that guy who painted "The Starry Night"), artistic sculptures, everything. I've been to Singapore Art Museum, yet I think works here really cannot be compared to the pieces over there in Le Louvre after I saw some of the photos. I mean, the air ticket and everything's not going to be cheap, but the knowledge that you can reap is really priceless. Yet having said that, I don't think I will ever have the chance to visit that place, haha!